Looking through my bedroom window at the overcast sky, I slowly opened my fingers and held out my hands; if the universe had given me a gift, I needed to make room for it. The question remained: Where was the gift?
My attention shifted to the blisters strewn across my right side; I wanted to see if they were healing. There was a bit of improvement, so I continued studying them. An insight struck me while I was searching for something good. I suddenly realized that, as ugly as this disease was, there was something undeniably beautiful about it. My body was releasing old energies I no longer needed to hold on to; my vibration was becoming lighter. Spirit had raised its voice to let me know that transformation was in full swing.
There was a glass of cold water on my nightstand; I reached for it. Alongside the glass was my first book; something made me pick it up instead. For some reason I opened the book with my eyes closed; my thumb was pointing to a specific passage in the Energy chapter. As I read each word to myself, chills traveled through every inch of me.
The following excerpt, from Silent Voices of the Soul, is beneath the heading "We can Release Energy".
"When we release energy from one aspect of our being, we let it go from every area of ourselves and our lives. Releasing a single thought causes us to do away with related thoughts, perceptions and feelings. Moreover, letting go of those energies results in the elimination of any physical realities connected to them. ...Depending upon where our old energy has been housed, physical release can assume many forms: sudden aches and pains in our joints (old emotional pain we have "felt to our bones" expressing itself), throbbing headaches (painful thoughts and memories coming to the surface), crying (release of sadness)...If "illness" or any show of physical imbalance accompanies our emotional release, we should not be surprised as the energies we have expressed spiritually, mentally and emotionally exit the body."
It took me a moment to catch my breath; Spirit had read my mind. My own book had answered my question before I had a chance to ask.
My journal was on the floor near my bed. I hadn't written anything in it for the longest time. Curious to see what I had channeled before I got sick, I turned to my last entry. Although it didn't appear to be related to the challenge I was experiencing, the biggest part of me knew better.
It was one of the shortest entries I had ever written, a silent cry for help.
"Dearest Universe, please help me break this self-destructive pattern. I don't want to be a perfectionist anymore. I need to stop doing this to myself. I need to believe in myself."